Tuesday, June 03, 2008

Start Voting for Me or the Tiny Shriner Dies

by J J Cohen

Some of you readers think it is amusing to self-identify with a plastic figurine with a legendary penchant for booze, rude comments and sensual indulgence over a tenured professor of English who has superpowers and can fly (<-- formulation taken from the fantasy world of Katherine Cohen, age 4). Well, stop it. Because as you can see from the photo I just took, the Tiny Shriner is in peril: should you continue to vote for him over me, he will be plunged seven stories to his painful demise.

Think I'm kidding? Try me.

[Figure 1: Tiny Shriner suspended. Note expression of shock and dismay on face. Fortunately for him, his fez is glued in place.]


irina said...

I happen to know that the Tiny Shriner is in possession of a magical ring with which he can bind the giant-like demonic figures who attempt to destroy him. This is to say nothing of the horn he will blow if you try to execute him, thereby bringing an entire army to his aid.

I'm just warning you, you know. Try to exploit his weakness for beautiful heathen women. That always works.

Rachel Roberts said...

Hey, don't blame me! I voted for 'cannot process result'!

Henrik said...

I wanna see the tiny shriner wield his ring of power... so I voted for him!

How can you *not* identify with a 4" high tuxedoclad figurine?

Jeffrey Cohen said...

On the positive side, it is good to see that the ITM co-blogger vote is pretty evenly split (the Tiny Bastard aside). It would be a little embarrassing if one of us had no votes and everyone else had several. Plus, it seems significant to me that to date 81 readers were engaged enough with the blog to vote.

Karl Steel said...

I'm pretty sure the tiny shriner just invited its family to pack the vote.

Jeffrey Cohen said...

Karl, I also spotted a bunch of them under my office window yesterday pretending to be having an impromptu Shriner's convention. I'm fairly certain that they were hiding one of those trampoline-like nets that fireman use to catch people who jump from buildings. I don't think they realize how far I can hurl the little guy.

Eileen Joy said...

This is getting ridiculous. Yes, the tiny bastard, I mean Shriner, is annoying, and he always gets all the women/men/man-women/women-men/inderterminate gender types [i.e.: everyone!], which really bothers *me* and he drinks us all under the table but just remember what you already said: his fez is permanently glued on. Do you realize how difficult that makes life for him? He *gets* the women, etc., but then what? The hat, my friends, the hat. It makes life difficult, and hence the drinking. So let them vote for Tiny. After all, it won't change his circumstances.

Jeffrey Cohen said...

And in a way it is even worse: although he gives out that the fez is merely attached, I suspect that it is molded to him -- ie, were it to crack off, you'd be able to see into the empty space of his head. In fact I have it on good authority that when T S Eliot composed a famous poem he had the Eternal Shriner in mind:
Those who have crossed
With direct eyes, to death’s other Kingdom
Remember us—if at all—not as lost
Violent souls, but only
As the hollow men

(and why do I call the Shriner eternal? Because of those other famous lines from Eliot, "And I have seen the eternal Shriner hold my coat, and snicker, / And in short, I was afraid.")